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Not Enough


A man entered a crowded waving a gun and loudly announced:


"I have a Colt here with 7 rounds in the magazine and one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been f***ing my wife!


From the back of the room came a loud reply -- "You don't have enough ammo!"
 

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There was a woman who was a big Elvis Presley fan and for quite some time she considered getting a tattoo of his likeness. After much deliberation and a good amount of booze, she ventured to a parlor and told the artist what she wanted. In terms of location, she said she wanted Elvis tattooed on her inside thigh at crotch level. After an agreed upon price and some renderings, the artist commenced. Knowing there'd be some pain involved, the woman had a flask to numb the pain. Once finished, the artist asked for her opinion.

"that doesn't look like Elivis at all!" she cried
"look it just needs to heal up a bit and I'm sure you'll love it" said the artist
"not bloody likely and I refuse to pay for this" she exclaimed

Frustrated, the tattoo artist came up with an idea,
"look, let me do another rendering on the other thigh, and if you and a third party don't like it, I won't charge you. On the other hand, if all opinions are favorable then I'll only charge you for one tattoo"

She agreed and endured another session and then judgement time came again. She stumbled to her feet and said;
"it's still not right! My God, you call yourself an artist?"

"It's time to get another opinion ma'am, so why not solicit someone?" said the artist

So the woman flopped over to the entrance and summoned an equally inebriated sailor and then hiked up her dress and said;
"what do you think, does this look like Elvis Presley"

The sailor stopped, looked and contemplated and said;
"well ma'am, I don't know those two dudes on the side, but that guy in the middle is a dead ringer for Kenny Rogers!"
 

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On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!...People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the ex-husband... they even took the curtain rods!
 

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This is a story about 3 dogs; a Poodle, German Shepherd and a Great Dane. All three were gathered together in the waiting room of the SPCA. They all seemed to have rather dour expressions on their faces.

Curious, the German Shepherd asked the poodle "hey what are you here for?" The poodle replied; "well, I have this problem that my master can't tolerate and that's sleeping on his bed. He warned me that if I continued to sleep on his bed, I'd be sent here to be put down. Needless to say, I behaved myself until one cold but sunny day I could resist no longer. After my master left for work I ventured up stairs and leaped up on the bed, did a coupe of spins, laid down and fell asleep. Suddenly I hear this noise outside and I bolted upright only to discover my master had come home early. I panicked and in so doing I relieved my bowels run on the sheets and so that's it.....I'm here to be put down."

The other dogs sighed at the Poodle's plight until the Great Dane spoke up and said to the German Shepherd; "so what's your story?" The German Shepherd retorted; "well I guess it's no surprise that I like people in uniforms, particularly postmen. Having nipped a few in the past I was warned that if I bit one again, I'd be sent here to be euthanized. Suffice to say, I behaved myself until one day. I was lying on the grass under a hedge when I spotted the postman whistling away as he approached our house. I checked around and couldn't see anyone around and it was too tempting to resist the urge. I bolted out from the hedge and put a nice bite on the postman right around the ankle! As a result, I'm here now waiting for the needle.

There were collective moans from the Poodle and the Great Dane. Finally the Poodle piped in and asked the Great Dane; "what's your story?"

The Great Dane began his tale saying; "well in spite of our predicaments, I guess we could agree that we all love our masters. In my particular case, I guess you could say I loved my master a little too much! Mine is a beautiful woman who treats me just right. Granted, she' single but she does have a boyfriend who visits quite regularly. One night, he drops over for a nice romantic dinner. I was lying on the floor in front of the fireplace just watching a listening to the loving banter at the dinner table. After the meal, they both got up, grabbed their glasses of wine and walked over to the fireplace and gently nudged me out of the way. The next thing you know they're lying in front of the fire and really gettin' into it, if you know what I mean. At this point I was fascinated by the whole lovemaking process with those humans. Then after all the moaning and groaning died down, the boyfriend gets up and heads to the bathroom. It was at this point, it hit me. I looked at my master naked and basking in the glow of the fire. The shape of her body and the smells were just overwhelming......I couldn't resist! Felling a yearning in my loins, I got up, mounted my master and well, gave it to her!

The German Shepherd and the Poodle just howled at such a revelation at which point the Poodle asked; "so you're here to be put down then?"

The Great Dane sheepishly looked down and said; "no, actually I'm here to get my nails done!"
 

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Two old boys were chatting about the marvels of modern medicine when one mentioned the male miracle, Viagra. The other, not being familiar with it, asked what it was for. 'It's the greatest thing I've ever known...the fountain of youth!' replies the first chap. 'Can you get it over the counter?' the second guy asks....
'Probably, if you take two pills!'
 

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The cat has a wife:


 

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TALKING DOG FOR SALE:

A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back yard.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at a major airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars!" The owner says.
"Ten dollars? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****"
 
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Washington Post (aka Jeff Bezos) word contests:

Here are the winners of this year's Washington Post's Word Game which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an *******.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12.� Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj.. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n.. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
 

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A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. ‘Can you describe the symptoms to me?’ ‘Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy ******* and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!:grin:
Awesome man...nice joke
 

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AN AIRPLANE WAS ABOUT TO CRASH; THERE WERE 5 PASSENGERS ON BOARD, BUT ONLY 4 PARACHUTES.

THE FIRST PASSENGER, HOLLY MADISON SAID, "I HAVE MY OWN REALITY SHOW AND I AM THE SMARTEST AND PRETTIEST WOMAN AT PLAYBOY, SO AMERICANS DON'T WANT ME TO DIE." SHE TOOK THE FIRST PACK AND JUMPED OUT OF THE PLANE.

THE SECOND PASSENGER, JOHN MCCAIN , SAID, "I'M A SENATOR, AND A DECORATED WAR HERO FROM AN ELITE NAVY UNIT FROM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA." SO HE GRABBED THE SECOND PACK AND JUMPED.

THE THIRD PASSENGER, BARACK OBAMA SAID, "I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES AND I AM THE SMARTEST EVER IN THE HISTORY OF OUR COUNTRY, SOME EVEN CALL ME THE ANOINTED ONE." SO HE GRABBED THE PACK NEXT TO HIM AND JUMPED OUT.

THE FOURTH PASSENGER, BILLY GRAHAM, SAID TO THE FIFTH PASSENGER, A 10-YEAR-OLD SCHOOLGIRL, "I HAVE LIVED A FULL LIFE AND SERVED MY GOD THE BEST I COULD. I WILL SACRIFICE MY LIFE AND LET YOU HAVE THE LAST PARACHUTE. "THE LITTLE GIRL SAID, "THAT'S OKAY, MR. GRAHAM. THERE'S A PARACHUTE LEFT FOR YOU. AMERICA'S SMARTEST PRESIDENT TOOK MY SCHOOLBAG ."
 

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A farmer knocked on the door of a neighboring farmhouse. The door was answered by a 12-year old boy. The farmer asked to speak to the boy's older brother, Harold.
The lad replied, "Harold went to town with Mom and Dad. Can I help you?"


The farmer shifted awkwardly and said, I need to talk to Harold because he's gotten my daughter pregnant.


The boy replied, "I think you should talk to Dad on that. I know he charges $100 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he would charge for Harold."
 

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Still?

Still?
 

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One day a little girl was watching her mom make roast beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in a string, seasoned it and set it in the roasting pan.
The little girl asked her mom why she cut off the ends of the roast. Mom replied, after some thought, that it was the way that her mother had done it.

That night grandma came to dinner and the little girl and her mom went to her and asked why she had cut the end off of the roast before cooking. After some thought grandma replied, that was the way her mother had done it.

Now great grandmother was quite old and in a nursing home. But the little girl went with her mom and grandma to see her and again asked the question.

Grandma looked at them a bit annoyed and said, "So it would fit in the pan, of course."
 

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Little Johnny:


Little Johnny told the female teacher in class that he had to "piss". The teacher replied, "The correct word, Johnny, is 'urinate'. You may be excused, but before you go, I want to hear you compose a sentence with the word 'urinate'"
Little Johnny replied, "Urinate, Miss, but if you had bigger t*ts, you'd be a ten."
 

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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
“Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress.”
“Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!”
“I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
 

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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
“Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress.”
“Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!”
“I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
Like it :)
 
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