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A Southern preacher stood before the congregation and announced:


"It has come to my attention that a member of this congregation has spread the rumor that I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan. Nothing could be further from the truth, and I think that member should stand up an apologize in front of this gathering."


After a moment of silence, a woman at the back stood up and said, "Reverend, there's been a terrible misunderstanding! I never said that you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I merely said that you were a wizard under the sheets."
 

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The problem with Getting Old

An older gentleman was sitting in the gutter crying his heart out when a woman approached him saying “why are you crying my good man ?”
He replied” last week I got married again” she replied “that’s not a good reason to cry its one of rejoice”
He returned the reply” and every morning and night I get full on sex from her, she is so great in bed “
The woman look at him in amazement and said”” that’s really not the reason your crying how can I help you “
He stuttered in the crying “I,I cant find my way home “.

The joys of getting old
 

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The teacher asked her third-grade class for an example of a "coincidence". Little Johnny was recognized and replied, "When Mom, Dad, and the alarm clock go off at the same time".
 

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Later that day little Johnny ask the teacher if he could go and have a piss, the teacher said the word is "urinate", Johnny urinate. Before you go Johnny I want you to use the word urinate in a sentence, Little Johnny replied.......
Urinate miss, but if you had bigger tits, your'ed be a ten.
 

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A fella was sitting at a bar at JFK International airport waiting for his next flight and overheard a couple of very robust looking women with British accents talking at the end of the bar. So he gets up and walks over and says "Hi, are you 2 ladies from England"? One of the women looks at him with a bit of disgust and snaps back, "It's Wales you idiot". The fella is taken aback a little bit and after a second he replies, "Okay, are you 2 whales from England"? He's since been released from the hospital and recovering nicely at home.
 

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The kid just blew it:
 

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Priest needed:


A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man. He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.
Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s.
"Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.

The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice: B-5 .... I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54 .... O-72
 

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Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?


He bought a warehouse.
 

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Naughty lad

Boys will be boys:
 

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>>>> Two Kiwis, Trevor and Jeanette, are walking down a street in London.
>>>>>> Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that
>>>>>> catches his eye.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per
>>>>>> pair'
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Trevor says to his pal, ' Jeanette, look! We could buy a whole lot of those,
>>>>>> and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune". "Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay?
>>>>>> Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not
>>>>>> be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist pommy accint."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 'No worries, smiled Jeanette, I'll keep my mouth shut.
' They go in and
>>>>>> Trevor says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00
>>>>>> each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> I'll beck up my truck and...' The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're
>>>>>> from New Zealand , aren't you?'
>>>>>> 'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Trevor. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'
>>>>>>
>>>>>> The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners!'.
 

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A retired guy sits around the house all day, so one day his wife says,

"Joe, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week."

Joe gives it a moment's thought and says: "Sure! Why not? Where's the vacuum?"
Half an hour later, Joe comes into the kitchen to get some coffee.



His wife says, "I didn't hear the vacuum running; I thought you were going to do the vacuuming?"

Exasperated, Joe answers, "The stupid thing is broken; it won't start. We need to buy a new one."

"Really?" she says, "Show me -- it worked fine the last time."

So he shows her.

Click here
 

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The kid just blew it:
Well Norm, the Donald did a lot more than that (by his own admission, "I grabbed the *****, I grabbed the ass) and HE became President …...
 

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A retired guy sits around the house all day, so one day his wife says,

"Joe, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week."

Joe gives it a moment's thought and says: "Sure! Why not? Where's the vacuum?"
Half an hour later, Joe comes into the kitchen to get some coffee.



His wife says, "I didn't hear the vacuum running; I thought you were going to do the vacuuming?"

Exasperated, Joe answers, "The stupid thing is broken; it won't start. We need to buy a new one."

"Really?" she says, "Show me -- it worked fine the last time."

So he shows her.

Click here

Nice one John - maybe he thought he could also mow the lawn with it
 

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Good reason to check the time at least twice a day.


Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk
 

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I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently, a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
 
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