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Another, stolen :)

5 people in a plane that is about to crash, but there are only 4 parachutes. The passengers are Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, The Pope, Angela Merkel and a 10 year old school boy. Trump says: "I'm the smartest guy in America. Only I can save America from coronavirus." He grabs one and jumps.
Johnson says: "I'm needed to save the UK from the virus." He grabs one and jumps.
The Pope says: "In this time of great strife, the Catholic Church needs a leader." He grabs one and jumps.
Angela Merkel says to the boy: "I've lived my life, you have the last one as you have your whole life ahead of you."
"It's ok." Says the boy: "There are 2 parachutes left, the smartest guy in America took my school bag."
 

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A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and no one could find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.
Now I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you need to discuss with your wife.
If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she play a role in helping you make your decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"Well what is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."
 

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A recent phone conversation between Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump...

Trump ............" Hello Kim, Wow,You're alive, Great to talk to you, I heard you almost died"

Kim Jong-un......Yes I did. Thanks for the medical advice, you prick !!!
 

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A woman went in for surgery to reduce the size of her labia, but swore the surgeon to secrecy.
When she awoke from her surgery she found three long-stemmed roses by her bedside. Angrily she summoned the surgeon. "You promised no one would know!" she said.
"Now hold on", said the surgeon. "The first rose is from me because you were such a good patient and came through the surgery so well."
"And the second rose?", she asked.
"The second rose was from the nurse that assisted me, in sympathy, as she had gone through a similar surgery in the past."
"And the third rose?"

"The third rose is from Mr. Jones in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
 

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Global Recession

The recession has hit everybody really hard. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.that I called the Suicide Hotline.
I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
 

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The Atheist and The Bear
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals", he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot Bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice from heaven asked, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well", said the Voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen."
 
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