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Old 09-10-2018, 01:54 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default The JOKES Thread

Easier to keep them all in one place I suppose, so post you jokes here !
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Old 09-10-2018, 01:55 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris.

Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?

"No, just planning on staying for a few days".
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Old 09-10-2018, 05:26 PM   #3 (permalink)
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If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
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Old 09-10-2018, 05:54 PM   #4 (permalink)
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If women ruled the world they would NEVER get anything wrong as they are ALWAYS right !!
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Old 09-10-2018, 06:44 PM   #5 (permalink)
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The wife's cousin has been kicked out of his 3rd high school,

Again he was caught "playing with himself" in a science class

The wife said I should give him "the talk"

I sat down with him

and I told him, I think he should stop teaching.

Last edited by bloody watches; 09-10-2018 at 06:46 PM. Reason: spelling of course
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Old 09-10-2018, 07:11 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default The Talk

The Talk:
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File Type: jpg Vikings.jpg (93.2 KB, 26 views)
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Old 09-11-2018, 09:39 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Honestly some folk will take offence at anything,
I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop,
all I asked was ‘How are you getting on?'
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Old 09-11-2018, 09:43 AM   #8 (permalink)
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A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. ‘Can you describe the symptoms to me?’ ‘Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!
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Old 09-11-2018, 10:53 AM   #9 (permalink)
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The Husband Store:

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!" So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1- These men have jobs. The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2- These men have jobs and love kids. The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4- These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads: Floor 5- These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay. But she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store!!

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives Store across the street. The 1st floor has wives who love sex. The 2nd floor has wives who love sex and have money. The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.
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Old 09-11-2018, 11:55 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by normdiaz View Post
The Husband Store:

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!" So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1- These men have jobs. The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2- These men have jobs and love kids. The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4- These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads: Floor 5- These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay. But she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store!!

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives Store across the street. The 1st floor has wives who love sex. The 2nd floor has wives who love sex and have money. The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

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Old 09-11-2018, 06:50 PM   #11 (permalink)
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A man boarded an aircraft at London’s Heathrow Airport for New York, taking his seat and settling in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?
"Lecturer," she responded.” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the mostwell endowed, when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
I have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable, and blushed. "I'm sorry, l do apologise" She said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!"


"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my goodfriends call me Paddy.
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Old 09-12-2018, 01:48 PM   #12 (permalink)
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One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think its bollocks.”
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Old 09-13-2018, 12:12 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Tom had been in Police work for 25 years ...

Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door ... He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there ...

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00 ...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks, Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops ... 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.'

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops ... 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ... I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too ...'

'Now that's really not a problem,' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?’

'Don't much matter ... Just gonna be the two of us ...'










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Old 09-13-2018, 12:42 AM   #14 (permalink)
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What’s the difference between a Harley Davidson Motorcycle and a Hoover Vacuum Cleaner?







The position of the dirt bag.


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Old 09-13-2018, 10:32 PM   #15 (permalink)
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My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood when I said " I wanna watch".
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Old 09-13-2018, 11:07 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Today I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup. Later I took what was probably the biggest vowel movement I've ever had.
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Old 09-14-2018, 01:00 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Dear Algebra,


Stop asking us to find your X. She's not coming back. And don't ask Y.
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Old 09-14-2018, 11:23 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Two hillbillies, Emmet and Clive, are sitting on the porch of their shack drinking moonshine while their hound dog is lying nearby licking his balls.


Emmet watches the dog for a minute and then says, "Emmet, sometimes I wish I could do that..."


Clive looks down at the dog, then looks at Emmet and says, "Emmet...That dog would bite you..."
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Old 09-15-2018, 12:23 PM   #19 (permalink)
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A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
'Look, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea’ she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own [email protected] blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End.
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Old 09-16-2018, 09:10 AM   #20 (permalink)
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FROM ROLLS-ROYCE STAFF MAGAZINE



Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)..

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

You're going to love this.....















"Defrost the Bloody chicken."
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Old 09-16-2018, 09:23 PM   #21 (permalink)
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A Southern preacher stood before the congregation and announced:


"It has come to my attention that a member of this congregation has spread the rumor that I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan. Nothing could be further from the truth, and I think that member should stand up an apologize in front of this gathering."


After a moment of silence, a woman at the back stood up and said, "Reverend, there's been a terrible misunderstanding! I never said that you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I merely said that you were a wizard under the sheets."
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Old 09-18-2018, 03:48 AM   #22 (permalink)
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The problem with Getting Old

An older gentleman was sitting in the gutter crying his heart out when a woman approached him saying “why are you crying my good man ?”
He replied” last week I got married again” she replied “that’s not a good reason to cry its one of rejoice”
He returned the reply” and every morning and night I get full on sex from her, she is so great in bed “
The woman look at him in amazement and said”” that’s really not the reason your crying how can I help you “
He stuttered in the crying “I,I cant find my way home “.

The joys of getting old
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Old 09-18-2018, 11:27 AM   #23 (permalink)
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The teacher asked her third-grade class for an example of a "coincidence". Little Johnny was recognized and replied, "When Mom, Dad, and the alarm clock go off at the same time".
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Old 09-19-2018, 05:27 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Later that day little Johnny ask the teacher if he could go and have a piss, the teacher said the word is "urinate", Johnny urinate. Before you go Johnny I want you to use the word urinate in a sentence, Little Johnny replied.......
Urinate miss, but if you had bigger tits, your'ed be a ten.
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Old 09-21-2018, 07:16 PM   #25 (permalink)
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A fella was sitting at a bar at JFK International airport waiting for his next flight and overheard a couple of very robust looking women with British accents talking at the end of the bar. So he gets up and walks over and says "Hi, are you 2 ladies from England"? One of the women looks at him with a bit of disgust and snaps back, "It's Wales you idiot". The fella is taken aback a little bit and after a second he replies, "Okay, are you 2 whales from England"? He's since been released from the hospital and recovering nicely at home.
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